TOP TEN: CLOWNS

Clowns. In theory, they're zany and humorous beings designed to keep small children amused between the trapeze artist and elephant show at the circus. In reality, however, they're psychopaths hell bent on world domination. In honour of The Joker's return to the big screen in The Dark Knight, we look at popular culture's best clowns, and ask them all to kindly leave us alone.

1) Pennywise the Dancing Clown (It)
It's Halloween 1992, and the BBC is marking the occasion by showing both parts of the TV movie version of Stephen King's It on successive nights. Intrigued, the eight-year-old me, in all my youthful naivety, decides that a film starring a child-murdering clown is appropriate viewing and not at all a ticket to terror. But, after three hours of torment at the hands of that wretched beast, I learned my lesson. Not only could I not sleep properly, but I actually felt something…something sitting at the end of my bed, watching, waiting for its time to pounce. Thankfully, there was nothing there (I think), but my paranoia and lasting mistrust of clowns is testament to the power of Tim Curry's performance. Pitched perfectly between outrageous camp and spine-chilling menace, Pennywise is a fiendish creation who inserted himself into my head that terrible night in '92 and wouldn‘t bloody leave. Credit too should go to director Tommy Lee Wallace, who creates a fearful atmosphere with minimal budget, through a clever blend of long shots and extreme close-ups, meaning you never quite know where Pennywise is going to pop up. I watched the film back recently for the first time since 92, and Pennywise's first appearance between the bed sheets on little Lori Anne's washing line still made me shriek. Just a little bit mind. Honest.

2) Krusty the Clown (The Simpsons)
Right, let's cut to the chase here. Krusty is a legend and we all know why. So, let's just let the man speak for himself with a collection of Krusty's greatest quotes. "If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealin' my bit!". "Now for my favourite part of the show....What does that say? Talk to the audience! Ugghhh, this is always death...". "Tonight I'm going to suck... [switches the cue cards] your blood!". "It wasn't my fault! It was the Percodan! If you ask me, that stuff rots your brain. And now a word from our new sponsor... [reads card] ...Percodan?! Ahh crap!" And finally, my particular favourite: "Hey! Hey! Hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo Theater!" [Krusty looks at the sign behind him that reads "Krusty Komedy Klassics" or "KKK" for short] "KKK?! That's not good. Unghhhhh."

3) The Joker (Batman)
Like Pennywise, The Joker has probably been expelled from the clown trade union because he's more obvious about his dastardly nature than the sly little bastards like. But he, also like Pennywise, probably just bumped them all off and took over the union himself. Just for the hell of it. It‘s not as if it‘d be difficult for The Clown Prince of Crime. Not content with having haunted Batman and the good people of Gotham for well over half a century, he's also killed Robin and paralysed Batgirl! All while laughing like a loon. No other supervillain got under his enemies’ skin like that. No other supervillain could. Because no other supervillain goes round dressed like a clown...

4) Xander's clown (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
Buffy fought vampires, hell demons and werewolves many times over during the seven year run of the TV series which bore her name, but gladly evil clowns only crossed her path once. In first season episode Nightmares, she and the Scoobies are haunted by real-life incarnations of their worst fears. Willow has to perform Madame Butterfly in front of a packed house, despite not knowing a word of the opera, Buffy is turned into a vampire and comes across The Master for the first time, and Xander, well, poor old Xander gets lured by a trail of chocolately goodness into the clutches of a frightening clown he encountered at his eighth birthday party. As he proved in another Buffy episode, Hush, Joss Whedon understands that to be truly frightening you don’t need to talk, so the only sounds emanating from the mouth of this particular psychopath is a terrifying high-pitched giggle which, understandably, encourages Xander to leg it. However, our hero has the final say as he turns, thumps his foe in the face and says: "You were a lousy clown. Your balloon animals were pathetic. Everyone can make a giraffe!" HA! Take that clown!

5) The toy clown (Poltergeist)
As if that ruddy tree wasn't bad enough, director Tobe Hooper decided what he really needed to sell Poltergeist as the devil’s own film was a scary looking toy clown. For most of the flick, the little bastard mercifully just sits there. But then, once the evil has passed and the Freelings go back into their home (Why?! Why did they do that?!) the satanic little beast strikes. Disappearing under Robbie‘s bed, he bides his time, waiting for his owner to look under. Nothing. A thousand small children breathe a sigh of relief. But then…BANG! Out come the hands, up pops the head and from the back he drags the kid under. Thankfully, Jo-Beth Williams is on hand to save the day, but how long before it strikes again?!

6) Bubbles the Clown (The test card)
There are many things I can forgive the BBC for. Eastenders, BBC Three, Alan Sugar… all ok. Just about. But the old test card? Sorry, that’s just beyond the pail. For thirty years that gaudy image was put up every night after BBC One went off air, sitting there throughout the wee small hours begging an endless list of questions. Who is that girl? What is she doing? Will she ever win that game of noughts and crosses? But this isn't a top ten of confused little girls. The most important question is what the hell that clown is doing there? There doesn‘t seem to be any logic to it, it‘s just there. Waiting, patiently for its moment. Ruminating the attack, working out tactics, pondering weak points and biding its time until…the inevitable. She never grew up, you know, that little girl. In thirty years she never aged a day. We all know why….

7) Captain Spaulding (House of 1,000 Corpses/The Devil's Rejects)
"But he's just a psychopath in make-up," came my reply when The Editor suggested putting Captain Spaulding on this list. "Exactly," he said. Well, how could I deny that? Probably inadvertently considering the film is utter dreck, House of 1,000 Corpses director Rob Zombie discovered the ultimate and undeniable truth about clowns. They are, every single one of them, just psychopaths wearing make-up. Seriously, think about it. What kind of a person wakes up in the morning and thinks "I know, I'll slap on some deathly white make-up, smear a smile on my face, don some oversized shoes and then, dressed like this, go out and entertain children"? A dangerous and disturbed person, that's who. And that's why Captain Spaulding made it on the list.

8) James Bond (Octopussy)
Many would say that Roger Moore was a clown from the very start of his tenure as 007, but it took until his penultimate outing for him to finally go all the way and stick on the make-up, silly wig and floppy shoes. Here Bond is tasked with tracking a jewel thief, and his journey leads him into the path of an Afghan prince and his associate, the titular Octopussy. For some reason, he eventually stumbles his way to a circus where, dressed as a clown, he defuses a bomb. Jumping the shark? Sadly, the Bond series did that years before…

9) Ashes to Ashes clown (Ashes to Ashes video)
"Ashes to ashes/Funk to funky/We know Major Tom's a junkie/Strung out in heavens high hitting an all-time low". Quite what that has to do with the miserable clown that appears in the video is known only to David Bowie. The rest of us can just sit there trying not to look directly at him. He'll probably turn us into stone or something. Evil. Very, VERY evil.

10) Insane Clown Posse members (Insane Clown Posse)
The only thing worse than one insane clown is a whole posse of them. Making music. Rubbish music. Ten albums worth of it. Worst band of all time? Absolutely.